So for some reason I will appraise you all of my next horribly evil and cruelly callouse plans, so that perhaps you will be better prepared for the upcoming chaotic destruction of everything serious.
Evil plan #1
The rebranding of strawberries as "Hey! Berries!!" This horrible scheme will maintain the basic meaning of the name straw-berry while adding a new dimension of excitement to finding and eating the berry. It will be like discovering a new species every time you go to buy or pick a Heyberry.
Evil plan #2
Create a series of medical reports that find out that drinking cold water is bad for your health as it constricts the gastrointestinal track and reduces digestion because of low blood flow. Then when the ice industry has collapsed I will buy up all the ice concerns cheap and then publish a report on how putting large ice sculptures around the world will both help cool the climate and increase art appreciation among all nations.
Evil plan #3
Create a series of internet pages, forums, etc that proves the existence of a small eastern European country called lithatvanislovania. This in-depth creation will convince the world that such a country exists and then I will apply for aid from the UN to help with educating a country with the worst literacy rates in the world by announcing we will be using the english language as our primary language. Did I say that all the websites will be whorrebly mizpeld andd riphe wif arrors? Oh and lots of hand drawn pictures.
Evil plan #4
Create a series of medical reports that encourage people to urinate 20 or more times a day. Then as part of a subliminal advertising campaign I would market a folk tea specifically designed to increase "outflow" called "European Tea".
Evil plan #5
A concentrated religious campaign to rename raspberries "Razzle delicious berries". I will create the cult of deliciosity and by worshipping the angel of flavor called Mmmmmmm..... one can achieve the paradisical state of "tasty" where everything is good.
Evil plan #6
Establish a great new board game called "fling it!" the game of evolutionary regression. Each box will be supplied with proprietarily named laxitives called "move it!". After a great session you can play the follow up game of "smell it!" and finally the funnest game of all "hire an illegal immigrant to clean your home".
Now I will leave all of you to ferret out the many hidden agendas of mr. Silly Pants evil plans....good luck.
(stops and rubs hands together...)