"Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving, make every day a holiday and celebrate just living!" - Amanda Bradley

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Fact Check vent

I gotta vent here. This will undoubtedly mark me as a raving lunatic but here goes.....


Wait for it.....

No really.....

Here we go.....

I have just learned that.....

The world will not end in 2012. In fact there is a good chance it will continue well on into the next few milleniums....

How do I know?

Cause I am from the future and every day is history for me!

No.....wait, that doesn't sound quite right......errr......


I am from the past and have travelled to the future to read about the past!!!!!

I...ah.....no....no.....hrmmm....let me check my notes......

Oh yeah. Cause I have simple facts.

1. Earthquakes are not getting more common: we have 1.3 million 2.x scale quakes a year?! Yikes! I don't even poop that much every year. Although I might if I was in 1.3 million earthquakes. hmmm.... I feel a diabolical scheme coming on....oh wait that is just last nights pizza.
2. Asteroid strikes are not getting closer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Near-Earth_object
Dear god! A few thousand objects are near us!!!!! Oh wait, they occupy an immediate space of 1.25x10 to the 14 square kilometers around earth. Blogspot can't handle a number that big.
3. The galactic center alignment of 2012 happened in 1998! Damn, I thought I felt something funny in my shorts....
4. The Sumerian calendar does predicts the end of the world in 2085! But if you carry the 2 and divide by asshole.......oh! then it does ends in 2012.
5. The names from Sumeria that mean things like "shiny lords that come from heaven" was given to the Sumer by the surrounding distinctly less cool tribes. (akkadian means-people of the high water pants and suspenders.) The sumerians called themselves "the black headed people." This means they either had cool shiny black space suits with slick red racing stripes, or they were prone to acne. Given they had not yet invented soap I am guessing the latter.
6. The only person in central america who thought cortez was queztecoatl returned to bless the world was cortez. He also wrote in his journal that he would be king and get lucky with queen isabella. Boy was he wrong. Instead he was sent to the ass end of the colonies after his delusions got the best of him. The indians are right-he was a jerk.
7. John Cusack was only ACTING! Which is more than I can say for Amanda Peet. At least she has her boo......charming smile and winning personality to fall back on.
8. The mayans didn't invent the calendar, the Olmecs did, we just can't read Olmec....hell I can barely say it.
9. The mayan calendar also says this is the 13th time the world has ended. Well....if you can't get it right the first time try, try again. I wonder if stone tablets about the end of the world sold as well as bad books of little scholarly value.
10. The Mayans of today-yes there are still mayans around, cortez didn't grease 'em all-don't seem overly concerned. In fact most of them are planning for a great big garage sale where they sell all the junk you dumped cheap cause you thought the world was going to end, back to you for twice what you sold it for.
11. The only thing that revelations says that has come true is Israel. Revelations did not say how many times israel would rise again....and I am betting at the rate they are pissing people off there will be second time.
12. planet x, aka nibiru, the sumerian lost planet where the divine wisdom of the anniniku (I think I spelled it right-god knows I didn't say it right.) dwells will not be coming back to hit us. Why? If the Sumerians were so good at predicting its orbit over the last 4500 years, and assuming that the ass-nincompoop (did I get it spelled right?-damn spell check-I'll tell you who will end this world....friggin microsoft windows....thats who...) in their all knowing wisdom didn't get their asses froze off way out beyond pluto's orbit (remember the sun is like a guy with gas, a lighter and a high girlish squeal, on pluto) and assuming that planet nubbin didn't run into any of those thousand plus near earth orbity bits then we should be able to see it given that we can look at a star over a billion miles away and detect planets in other solar systems. But oh wait, that's right the elite progressive, corporatist, evangelical, nazi, communistic, masonullati don't want us to know that they found planet x so they can go live with the annikans and practice their force tricks on each other (snicker....hey Joe....you ARE wearing pants....giggle, giggle) for the few days before the planet hits earth and kills everyone! Except of course the all wise anunciators 'cause they are so wise and technologically advanced they have developed "galacti-clean" laundry soap for getting even the most stubborn planet collision skid marks out your interdimensional underwear.

Why do we want the end of the world to come? Because it absolves us of all responsibility for ourselves. We have permission to judge and find fault those around us so that we can say "I told you so."

On December 22, 2012 I will stand on my rooftop and shout "I told you so!" Then I will slip off and break my neck most likely, not realizing that the mayans had developed that calendar solely for me.

"Hobbs, I just realize all the events of history have worked to result in me!" -Calvin
"It is when we find ourselves alone that we find ourselves without values and thus without value."-don't know who said it but it sure is true.

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